AustLit

Balcells is invited to Los Angeles as a consultant on a script for an action film, partially set in Central America, which will involve casting for Latin American characters. Unable to cope with the simplistic portrayals which are expected, Balcells leaves after only one day, returning to Sydney.

A practical joke backfires.

In this column, Balcells recounts the distress of an Hispanic couple whose daughter has started going out with an Australian boy who dresses as a punk. The daughter's mother says, 'he has a ring in his ear, his hair in a mohawk as high as the horses of the queen. A disaster!' [con un aro en la oreja y todo. Con el pelo cortado al rape en los costados, un penacho alto como los caballos de la reina... qué sé yo, ¡un desastre!]

Balcells counsels her, saying that adolescents are the same everywhere and that she shouldn't get too upset. The mother admits that the boy is from a good family, and at least he's clean ['Lo único a favor, es limpio; parece que se baña']. Some time later, the mother contacts Balcells to thank him for his advice to stay calm. Her daughter has broken up with the punk Australian boy and is now going out with a Spanish-speaking boy named Carlos, the son of Spanish, or Argentinian parents - she's not sure which.

Two days later, though, the mother rings Balcells again, again distressed. She has now met Carlos, and he also is 'punk', but worse, he's dirty, smelly and he smokes marijuana [Es sucio, maloliente y fuma marihuana].

After a visit to the doctor's, during which a Limoges vase is broken, the protagonist tries to find a suitable gift to make amends. This gift - a South American Indian statue of virility - ends up being re-gifted, repeatedly, eventually travelling full circle.

Balcells recounts the experiences of a friend who met a woman through a computer dating service and who, within two months, was married. Troubles begin when the couple return from their honeymoon, and Balcell's friend finds that his mother-in-law has moved into his apartment.

In this column, the narrator recounts the events of a recent party, attended by both English and Spanish-speaking Australians, involving excessive drinking, 'wild' dancing, spilled drinks and stained clothes.

The narrator, Balcells, visits friends whom he hasn't seen for some time and learns that although the husband has hurt his back and is no longer able to work, the family is doing well and receiving a series of 'grants' for education and community cultural work. Balcells is, in fact, somewhat surprised at the number of grants the Rodriguez family have applied for and received.

The narrator's younger brother, who migrated to Australia two years after his sibling, confides that he believes his wife is having an affair. The brother blames his wife's suspected infidelity on their move to Australia, as he knows many couples whose marriages have fallen apart after migrating here. The brother convinces the narrator, Ernesto, to speak to the wife, to find out the truth. As the elder brother, it is his duty to sort things out, as this is a matter of family honour.

In this column the narrator arrives at the gates of Heaven and, in conversation with Saint Peter, discovers that Spanish is the only language spoken there. He also discovers that English-speaking Australians arriving in Heaven are housed in migrant hostels and are required to take Spanish lessons.